See also: The Great Historical Bum

I was born about ten thousand years ago,
And there's nothin' in the world that I don't know;
I saw Peter, Paul and Moses,
Playing ring-around-the-roses
And I'll whup the guy what says it isn't so. 

I saw Satan when he looked the garden o'er,
Then saw Adam and Eve driven from the door,
And behind the bushes peeping,
Saw the apple they were eating,,
And I'll swear that I'm the guy what ate the core. 

I saw Jonah when he'mbarked within the whale,
And thought that he'd never live to tell the tale.
But old Jonah'd eaten garlic
And he gave the whale a colic,
So he coughed him up and let him out o' jail. 

I saw Samson when he laid the village cold,
And saw Daniel tame the lions in the hold,
And helped build the tower of Babel,
Up as high as they were able,
And there's lots of other things I haven't told. 

I taught Solomon his little A-B-C's
I helped Brigham Young to make Limburger cheese,
And while sailing down the bay
With Methuselah one day,
I saved his flowing whiskers from the breeze. 

Queen Elizabeth, she fell in love with me.
We were married in Milwaukee secretly,
But I schemed around and shook her,
And went off with General Hooker
To shoot mosquitoes down in Tennessee. 

I remember when the country had a king.
I saw Cleopatra pawn her wedding ring,
And I saw the flags a-flyin'
When George Washington stopped lyin',
On the night when Patti first began to sing. 

I was there to help old Noah load the ark,
And I sheared off Samson's hair just for a lark.
So I upped and ran away 
To the good ol' USA,
Where I raced old Pocahontas in the dark.

In the boudoir with dear Empress Josephine,
When Napoleon was nowhere to be seen,
It was then I played my part 
So much better than Bonaparte;
Well, I guess you know exactly what I mean.

I was in the garden when Eve made love to me;
I sent Cleopatra back to Antony;
I was there with Pompadour 
When she said, "Toujours l'amour."
I took Julia's clothes off on the balcony.

I designed the pyramids along the Nile;
I was friendly with the Pharoahs for awhile,
'Til they caught me playin' rummy
With an old Egyptian mummy;
That's why the Sphinx has got that famous smile.

I taught William the Conqueror how to fight,
And I snuffed out Florence Nightingale's light;
And Robin Hood was carryin' on,
For I was with Maid Marian on
The bed that I hid under for the night.

You can stop me if you've heard this one before
'Bout the apple too delicious to ignore
Adam said to Eve: "We're cheating, 
if that apple we start eating!
I came by and I'm the guy what ate the core

Old King Solomon was very wise, they claim
With a thousand wives, he knew them all by name
That's because I used to list 'em - 
With my alphabetic system
In my little book - each time he took a dame

Isabella sent Columbus with a crew
On a little trip across the ocean blue
But to me she said: "Hey, fella, 
you stay here with Isabella"
I'm the stowaway of fourteen ninety two

I was on the shore with Washington, I swear
When he tossed a coin across the Delaware
But nobody has believed it, 
when I tell 'em I retrieved it
And I bought me boots, they cost a buck a pair